“Accuracy”

 Sure, I might be a little naïve, but that’s just part of my charm! 

A cow says ‘Moo’. Well for now, I guess I’ll just have to take you at your word.

That’s my father. Fine, if you say so.

At this point in my life, if you’re selling it, I’m buying it.

“Wisdom”

 Retirement, it’s closer than you think. That’s why I’m going to begin contributing to a Pre-K. I figure that with the right mix of growth assets and bond funds, I should have enough for the computer that I’ll have to take with me to high school. You think municipal bonds are a hard sell for districts now, just wait!

 I’m hoping that the diaper company rebates will cover the monthly software upgrades. “Version YESTERDAY.0? Yes, I hear that’s a good one.”

“Teamwork”

 Together we’re better, or at least I cry less. Help me to help you? Try, help me to help me! You, are an integral part of the wonderful process that is me.

 By the way, I’m not hungry or tired. Air, lungs, vocal cords; simply put I just like to make noise. But don’t worry; what doesn’t make you crazy [like food thrown on the dog] makes you stronger. Hey, you’re welcome! Aggravation is just annoyance leaving the body.

 Really, if it was all supposed to be so easy, why is there a formula involved, huh!?

“Philosophy”

What is life all about? They’ve got me working 24/7/365! That is, I make then feed me 7 times every 24 hours, and in return I let them rest for 365 seconds in a row.

Twenty days old and I’m already having a mid-life crisis.

Change, or should I say being changed, is the only constant in life. Well, that along with birth and taxes!

“Sincerity”

 My face isn’t rosy…it’s bruised from all of the squeezing! Someone please call CPS, ‘Cheek Protective Services’.

 If it’s not one of my aunts, it’s the checkout girl, or the clerk at the lingerie store – I guess moms need love too!

 And is there anything more clichéd than the cute baby? Sure, I’m cute as a button, and so are your current and future babies, but let’s be frank shall we? Some of these kids are pretty much just a haphazard array of wrinkles in a blanket. I’m just saying!

“Leadership”

 Diaper bags, stroller, change table, romper UFOey looking thing. I’ve got it all! This house is basically an altar to me.

 Dogs think that they’re so special just because someone cleans up their poop. “You think you’re in charge? Can you say Kennel?” 

It’s said that you can’t take it all with you. They just need a larger diaper bag!

“I Hear Ya Kid”

 People feel that they have a strong bond with dogs. That’s because they have the same origin…confusion! Parents, owners, it’s all the same thing. They don’t know what they want. “In the house. Out of the house. T.V on. T.V. off.”

 Baby: “Those child leashes seem a bit extreme.”

Dog: “And what does ‘dog eat dog’ mean?! No way I’m going back to the off-leash park. I can’t even stomach the sniffing. Haven’t the other dogs heard of SARS.”

Baby: “Dog days of summer. Why aren’t these celebrated with hot dogs like the fourth of July?”

Dog: “No matter how you cut it, though, they’re cleaning up after us.”

“I Scream, You Scream”

 Good lord! What is that smell?! Lady, ease up on the perfume and get your mug out of my stroller. Just wave ‘hi’ like everyone else. You don’t need to scrutinize me for Melanoma!

Speaking of which, Mom, Dad, [or Mom-Mom, Dad-Dad, just Mom, just Dad, just Dad and the uncle who smells – it’s the same to me, we’re all just family] ease up on the zinc lotion, it makes me sneeze. On top of which, when I sneeze you say I’m cute. Enough is enough! I’m going to develop a complex.

 PS. Why don’t they ever say ‘spoiled baby’? I’m offended by the assumed lack of intelligence. It’s not gas. I just want my way!!

“Perspective”

He has your smile. She giggles like you did as a baby, or so you’re told. How do you really know?

 “Don’t worry, Mrs. Johnson. We’ll take him away, just for a minute, to clean him up. We really do pay attention as we run the babies through the muck-rinsing assembly line. Sure all babies look the same. Rest assured, though, that the probability of us giving you back the wrong baby is statistically too low to be relevant in a court of law!”

“Motivation”

 Retail, that’s where it’s at baby! Whether I’m in a stroller with my mom, or that front-loading new age papoose thing that my dad likes to wear, I’ve got my eye on the situation.

 I see all of you looking at the nice shiny things in the windows, going into the stores, pulling out your money or credit cards, taking the stuff home. That’s the deal that I want.

 Sometimes, I see you buying things for me. Boring items with words in the names like 'wipe' or 'chafe’. I need to get a job. Maybe baby model?

 It’s like taking candy from a baby, huh?! Just wait till I start paying for that candy with my hard earned money. Then just you try!

“Young At Heart” 

Sure, it’s only been a few days, but I think I can say that I am already “street”! I’ve been there, done that, then did it again. Oops, I mean I went number two.

 You can try to pull the wool over my eyes playing three diaper Monty, but I’ve got news for you…they’re all full!!

 I may be young, but I’m wiser than my days.

“Acceptance”

Movie executives of yore were want to ask, “Has this thing got legs?” Well, I haven’t used mine yet, but I definitely am the top grosser every weekend! Though not yet cool, I do possess the funk.

 I’m not giving up, though, like my parents who say to people, “She’s gassy”, when they just don’t know what else to do. Sure, blame the victim! The backlash, it starts so early. Naptime is really escapism for babies. We all have to learn how to deal!