Babies Can't Read™. Never Could, Never Will. Guaranteed.

A Baby Blog

February 2007

Early on in life, last month, I spent a lot of time at the hospital. I guess having a special place place for the early babies is good, but an awful lot of coddling goes on; is that really the best way to build character. Don't get me wrong, I loved sleeping with the four giant 5" teddy bears and eating every three hours. Some of the others there seemed pretty full of themselves, and all that attention could easily go right to their head - if only because they are mainly all head at this point.

We were close to the emergency room and also had a TV that we watched the real ER on. The nurses here miss Carter - he really did set the tone. I myself, wonder how much of what is done medically at any given point in time is just fashion. Between watching the new episodes on Thursdays and the reruns on Bravo, I have noticed substantial changes in the procedures used.

Not to worry for the C-Spine, that test is still as common as an E on Sesame street. But, I haven't seen a Peritoneal Lavage since the Ronco food dehydrator last aired. If I was an ambulance chasing lawyer I'd look into that. "Why did the writers stop using it. Who can I sue?"

And where is the IV with Ringers Lactate from the show Emergency (don't you just love TV Land)? How many people were killed by this harmless sounding procedure before the writers made us forget all about it with a two-parter about a girl with head lice, her heart-of-gold waitress Mom and their three-legged dog.

When I stayed on the ward, I found the politics to be a bit much. Between the neo-natals and the pre-me generation there were a lot of people just not understanding each other. Just because I'm a skin-head doesn't mean I'm bad. And in a few weeks I'll have enough sprigs of hair to do a great comb-over.

January 2007

Boy, that was some Christmas! Whoever invented Baby Nog was a genius! Now I have fat on top of my baby fat. This is shaping up to be a great new year. With low interest rates and extended terms (which now stretch out beyond your own death) I can upgrade to a 1.5 million dollar crib for only ninety-nine dollars-a-month. I figure I owe it to my great-grandchildren that they be saddled with as much debt as all the other future generations.

The iPhone is finally here, and it about time. Honestly, I came this close to having to make use of my own neurons and synapses. Just like those Neanderthals my parents; bless their hearts. Remember my friends' from daycare telephone numbers, do math in my head, carry a photo of my family in my wallet (Oh right - SpeedPay...no wallet); this archaic nonsense was wearing thin.

August to November 2006

On sabbatical. Being a baby is very stressful. Need to be away long enough to justify college's funding of this vacation, and take pictures to show at the pot-luck slide show when I get back. I can't wait to get tenure! Borat just opened and everyone here on the subcontinent is very excited.

July 2006

I just saw the Al Gore movie "An Inconvenient Truth." Great, I just got here and now I'm going to have to change the way I live. All I DO is release carbon dioxide, so I'm not sure what cut-backs I can make right now.

When you throw in original sin, I feel so overwhelmed. I realize we're all a part of something bigger, but the pressure to hit the ground crawling is almost too much. Well, at least no one has asked me to address any 'talking points' yet.

June 2006

Cry baby? Don't blame me! This severely limited method of communication wasn't my idea. I also blink, coo, wiggle my fingers and crap my diaper in a staccato attempt at Morse code; but you only look at me like I'm cute or disgusting. But the dog, she's apparently at a whole other super duper cognitive level. She barks and heads out to the kitchen (where the treats are...hello!). But you're all, "Good girl, Lassie, where's the fire." "She must know something", trotting after her like an overly inquisitive Mrs. Cravitz.

Yeah, right! At least give me the benefit of the doubt too. Oh well, I'll punish you during the terrible twos, or as I like to call it, "The revenge of the bipeds!"

April 2006

Now that you are a source of tax relief for your parents, it's time to ask them to appoint a financial planner for you. At first they will try to disagree. "Sure we get to claim an exemption for you", they'll whine, "but look at how much we have to spend on diapers, food and aspirin (for themselves, not Baby Aspirin)."

You have many options to use in countering these arguments. First, try reminding them, "Hey this was all your idea. I'm just along for the stroller ride, the guilt and the piano lessons." Second, "I'll tell the dog that it's okay to hump your favorite sweater." Third, well actually this option just involves spraying pee all over as they are changing you.

Frankly, the Health Savings Account that your Dad gets through his work causes more tax headaches for him than you ever will. And, you can remind him that the HSA is portable, like the load that you're carting around in your diaper.

March 2006

This is a good month to clean under that crib, kid. The dust bunnies are the size of armadillos! Speaking of road kill, what's for dinner? Same old, same old for you I'm afraid; strained peas et al. Isn't pee by definition strained? Seems like you're paying for a lotta nothing, not unlike a 'C' average coming out of Harvard. What do you call a baby that graduates at the bottom of his class? "Sir", that's what!

Now come on. You've got a full day ahead. Don't crawl under any ladders and you'll be fine.

February 2006

Mommy and daddy are in the house rising...about every three hours to take care of you! They've given the situation a comfort name, "Feeding Time". It makes them feel better about the whole confusing experience, plus, "How the hell should I know what she wants, she's your daughter" Time, has an awkward almost negligent ring.

And there are more euphemisms at work. Rocking the baby is a polite term for the nervous tick that parents develop as they stare up at the ceiling asking God for answers. Later when child is two, the parents are able to control the tick by standing in the middle of the living room with both hands glued to their hips; scowling helps, yelling is common.

The last of the psychoses is called reading to the baby. It was first discovered by a woman in 1842 who found her husband at 3am rocking the baby and babbling to himself. She simply stuck a book in his hands, "For God's sake Frank, try not to look like a complete imbecile!"

Now remember to temper your puppet-mastering with empathy for their suffering. You are omnipotent, just try not to rub it in their faces...especially when you're having your diaper changed.

January 2006

With a new year comes new challenges and responsibilities. Having just been born is the perfect time to resolve to be the best you ever. And the great part is that it's impossible for you to backslide; what's the worst that can happen, "Oh no, this week I gained 1 lb instead of 2 lbs."

Of course, your best value is a lifetime membership. If you can keep up with the classes, in the end it'll work out to about free. Try, though, to stay away from exercises that work your core, since you're pretty much all core at this point and you don't want to get muscle bound.

As for investing, no matter how many times you hear your dad say, "I should've worn a rubber", keep your allowance out of oil. Put it into vehicles that have been around since the beginning of time and have steady growth tied to population...pornography and organized crime.

And remember, when you break your resolutions, anything you bought can be folded up and tucked away under your crib.

December 2005

Attention Christmas babies (oh, I meant "holiday" babies)! You are getting ripped off. One gift for two occasions. Cheap bastards! Oops, sorry little Bobby, I didn't mean you; besides, I'm sure you mommy loves you twice as much.

Remember to be gracious in all situations. When your mom coos and waves the Sponge Bob rectal thermometer in your face, take comfort in the fact that dad gave her a crock pot! Speaking of things coming back in style, make sure you save every single possession you ever get your hands on. You will need to sell these later on in life for retirement. Social Security...and you thought your diaper was a mess!

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